Can I need it?

We were out for a walk and saw a “For Sale” sign on a car. I reminded my dad how when we were growing up, my brother would see a “for sale” or “for rent” sign and say something along the lines of, “Papi, look. It’s for sale. Can we buy it?”

This led to a conversation where my dad admitted that he just cannot resist a good bargain. If he sees that something is available, he automatically starts figuring out how and where it will fit into his life.

“Before I know it’s available, I don’t even want it,” he says, “But as soon as I know it’s an option, I start to want it.  I know I don’t need it, but I wonder….Can I need it?”

“Can I need it?” became a meme for the rest of the day.

I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching these past couple of weeks.  I’m coming to terms with my emotional masochism and the reasons behind it.  I’m trying to decide if this is something I want to embrace or overcome. I haven’t reached a conclusion yet – I’ve just barely started this whole thought process.

I wrote a thing once on what it meant for me to be owned. It’s just a word, really – a word that encompasses a dynamic that borders on codependent for me. My relationship with my husband was codependent.  Most of my relationships have been.

Is codependent always unhealthy?

I haven’t figured that one out yet, either.

Right now, my life is really, really good. I don’t have someone special to share it with, but I’m pretty comfortable with that situation. I get to make decisions about my life, work on the projects I want to work on, and make myself a priority. I have friends who take care of some of my physical needs, and the ones that don’t get taken care of, I can live without until someone special enough comes along (which he won’t because he doesn’t exist because I’m just too fucking picky).

But that’s okay. Until I’ve learned to deal with this whole emotional masochist thing, it’s better for me to stay unattached.  Hell, I’m still detaching from the last one.

Back when I was actively looking for a replacement Dom/boyfriend/partner person, I had a personals ad on reddit that got a few hits.  Not a lot.

I was talking to one guy for a little while…maybe 10 minutes of back and forth when he sent me a message that floored me.

“You want to be owned.” He wasn’t asking me.  He was telling me.

Before he’d said it, I’d have told you it is the last thing I wanted. I’d just gotten out of a relationship where I felt owned and the breakup was devastating.

Fuck that shit. I’m never letting someone own me again.

And suddenly, it’s on the table.

Do I want that again?  Can I need it?

 

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