Ninety Three Seconds

I’m certain I was yammering as we walked through the door. There was a plan: to drink, to cook, to eat, and to fuck.

I had assumed in that order, and therefore, was not expecting to be held by the hair and drag/pushed into the living room. That was certainly a surprise.

But when he pulled the pillows off the sofa and dropped them to the floor before me, I had an inkling.

And when he pulled his phone out and fiddled with it after ordering me to masturbate, I had another inkling.

Some time after the orgasm, after he’d given me a taste of him, after he’d told me to get dressed and make him a drink, he’d nonchalantly told me that it’d taken me 93 seconds to orgasm.

“Because you were watching me,” I explained.

Manual override on my own could take an hour. Any sort of stimulation when he’s watching me takes significantly less time.

Dinner was decent.

It was during the fucking when I was asked how long it took me to orgasm earlier.

I don’t know how the fuck I remembered the number.

But I did. “Ninety three seconds, Sir.”

He started to smack me. Slowly, then quickly, altering speed and intensity.

And then he stopped.

“How many is that?”

Well. I don’t know. Maybe it’s like the pillows and I’d had some sort of nonverbal cue. Or maybe it’s something I always do, the counting.

“Fifty.”

I could hear him smile. I felt the swell of my own pride in getting it right.

Here’s what he doesn’t know. I think I lost count somewhere after the next 20. I dropped into some altered state for a moment and when I came back….I could have sworn we were at 83, not 93.

But those last five smacks were double handed and hit hard.

Maybe they counted for two.

The Ask: Kinky Edition

Apparently I have a superpower: I can ask for what I want with minimal fear.

It’s not a super power, really. It might be why I’m well-suited for my job (asking people for large sums of money to fund a charitable organization).

Here’s the trick: I ask for things people pretty much want to give. If I’m in your house or at your office and I’m asking you for $100K in support of my charity, I’m doing so because my research and our prior conversations have led me to believe with reasonable certainty that this amount is not beyond your capability or intent.

Of course, sometimes my research is flawed, and whether or not you can give it is sometimes problematic, but based on our excellent communication prior to this meeting, I know your willingness to do so usually isn’t.

Telling somebody you want something is not the same thing as demanding it.But, you having the freedom to express a desire (whether it’s a want or a need) works best when you give the person you’re talking to the freedom to respond honestly to your request.

There. That’s the trick. That’s what makes it easy for me. I am giving information. “This is a thing I want.” I am giving the person the opportunity to respond with “I can make that happen,” “It would be my pleasure,” “It would take work, but that is not unreasonable,” or “That’s not a thing I’m interested in.”

“Oh, phi! But that last one! I HATE REJECTION!”

OK. Rejection sucks. You know what else sucks? That evil little voice in your head that tells you that if someone doesn’t come up with the same idea you do without you telling them about it that it means they don’t care about you.

News Flash: Mind reading is also not a common superpower.

You know what I mean, right? You see that Jane in the cubicle next to you gets flowers delivered to the office on her birthday. You’re like, “Aww, shit, that is sweet. I want flowers. Maybe my partner will send me flowers on my birthday.And, because you don’t want to leave it up to chance, that night you go home and snuggling up with your partner after a beating and some marathon anal, you say, “So, Jane at my office got flowers for her birthday today. Isn’t that sweet?”

“Mmmhmm….” they reply. And YOU think the message has been received.

Three weeks later, it’s your birthday and every time the door opens to the office you’re expecting the flower delivery person who doesn’t appear.

Guess what you didn’t do?

You didn’t tell your partner what you wanted.

You hinted at it. That’s gambling with your wants, people. Gambling doesn’t always pay off.

What if you had been more direct? Perhaps not laying in bed post-anal, but over breakfast the next morning….after the coffee had been poured.

“Jane in my office got flowers for her birthday yesterday at the office. I thought that was really sweet. Do you think you might be willing to surprise me with flowers sometime?”

And your partner looks up from their phone, where they’re browsing Fetlife, probably, and will either say something like:

You’d like that? Yeah, I could do that some time.

or

That’s not really something I’ve ever done, but it doesn’t seem unreasonable.

or

Noted.

or

Uhh…I don’t know about flowers, they’re kind of expensive, but I’ll see what I can do.

I mean, I guess they might say “No” or try to convince you that what you want is unreasonable, but then at least you’d know not to expect flowers that day.

Which makes it all the better when they arrive anyway because this is my imagination and that means your partner is super romantic.

Now, here’s the difference between saying something like “I want you send me flowers on my birthday,” and “Would you be willing to send me flowers sometime?”

In the first example your’e pretty much giving somebody little choice. “I want this.” Their response options are “Okay.” or “I’m going to disappoint you.”

In the second one, you’re asking them to consider your scenario. It’s very easy to agree to consider something.

By the way, this is like the fundraising 101 right here. I was taught, when you go in for the big ask, you phrase it as such:

“Would you consider making a gift of $100,000 in support [this program] of the [organization] for the purpose of [programmatic mission]?”

You’re not asking them to give. You’re asking them to consider giving. You’re giving them the power to make the decision for themselves.

It’s a little less scary that way. For both the asker and the askee. During the silence while the question hangs in the air, what they are doing is considering. (That, by the way is why you don’t say ANYTHING after the ask is made.)

What’s an example of something you were afraid to ask for?

Here’s an example from CatG’s recent blog that inspired this:

Option A: I want you to check up on me after you’ve assigned me a task to make sure that I’ve done it.

Option B: I thrive on positive feedback. Would you consider checking in with me periodically after assigning me a task so that I know you’re pleased with my performance?

And here’s the thing….in that example, if the person we are asking says “no, that’s not something I’m willing to do,” then right away you know that, at least in this area of a D/s relationship, you are going to be incompatible. That puts the ability to consider the benefit of engaging in D/s with this person back in your court.

But if you’ve already done your research and communicated effectively with your partner, then they will be neither surprised nor put off by your request, and (more than likely) grateful for your ability to express your wants directly.

Yep. Grateful.

Like when my donor thanked me profusely and gave me a big hug as she handed over a check worth twice my annual income.

Vignettes in Perspective

I cried at a silly love poem yesterday in which a Dom loved his Brat with all her bratty ways.

There are reasons why things like that trigger me.

Here are some of them:

_____

Conversation with my Husband:

“I can’t remember the last time we had sex.”

“It wasn’t that long ago.”

“It hasn’t happened since before my last birthday. That was six months ago.”

“No, it hasn’t been that long.”

“It has.”

“Maybe this weekend.”

“You said that last weekend.”

“I’m a failure as a husband.”

“You’re a wonderful husband. But it makes me feel like you don’t want me.”

“Of course I want you. You’re the sexiest woman I’ve ever known.”

“Then why don’t you ever want to touch me?”

“I love you. I love you so much. I know you’ll leave me some day.”

“I’m never going to leave you. Never. I just want to feel wanted.”

“I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“You won’t ever be without me.”

Tags: dead bedroom, neglect, emotional manipulation, depression, communication, marriage, sex, codependency

_______

With the first guy I rebounded with after Husband passed away: 

“Are you going to be there?”

“I wouldn’t miss it. I’ll be there.”

“I know sometimes you don’t feel up for it, but I’d really love for you to be there.”

“I’ll be there. Nothing could keep me from being there.”

Tags: neglect, lies, depression, broken promises, rebound romance, grief, needy, clingy, disappointment

______
The day I knew it was over with that guy:

“Where is he?”

“He’s probably not coming.”

“Has he called?”

“Nope.”

“It’s your birthday.”

“Yeah.”

Tags: neglect, sadness, friendship, breakup

________

With the second man I’ve ever loved – the one who shattered my heart:

“Say it.”

“I don’t want to.”

“Say it.”

“Please don’t make me.”

“Say it, now.”

“I love you.”

“I don’t know how to respond to that.”

“You don’t love me.”

“I don’t know what love is. I don’t know if I love you or not. But I’ll promise you this – no matter what, I will always be your friend.”

“Then just acknowledge my feelings. Tell me you know.”

“Okay.”

“I love you, Sir.”

“I know.”

Tags: emotional masochism, doormat, BDSM, love, emotions, vulnerability, fear, communication, long distance relationship, star wars

______

“I want to talk to you about something.”

“What’s up?”

“How would you feel if I took on a second sub?”

“Online?”

“Yeah, just online only.”

“I guess that’s fine. I love you, but you’re on the other side of the planet. If you need more than I can give you, I don’t want to stop you.”

“Are you sure?”

“Just promise me one thing….”

“What’s that?”

“I get to be your favorite.”

“That will never be a problem.”

“I love you.”

“I know.”

Tags: poly, long distance relationships, broken promises, communication, emotions, regret, love, submission, idealism, emotional masochism, unrealistic expectations, doormat, codependency

_____

“I’m coming to meet you.”

“How long will you be here?”

“Three months is as long as I can legally stay.”

“I love you.”

“I know. Look. I can’t promise you I’m going to love you when I meet you.”

“I understand.”

“And I’m not sure if I’m comfortable having sex with you.”

“I understand. I love you, Sir.”

“I know.”

Tags: excitement, anticipation, fear, emotional masochism, unrealistic expectations, doormat.

_____

“She’s coming to visit here a week before I fly out to you.”

“Oh.”

“I’ll call you every day.”

“Okay.”

Tags: No he didn’t.

_____

“I have something to tell you.”

“What’s up?”

“I told her I loved her last night.”

“I’m happy for you.”

“You are?”

“Yes. Because now you know how love feels, and you’ll know if you love me too when you meet me.”

Tags: This is not going to end well

______

“I unpacked your suitcase.”

“Good girl.”

“You should have told me yourself.”

“What?”

“You left the open box of condoms in it.”

“Oh.”

Tags: That was fucked up.

______

“Why are you crying?”

“Because you’ve been here three days and you still don’t know how you feel about me. I think maybe you just don’t love me. I really thought you did. I felt like you did. But you love her. Not me. You’re living in my house, sharing my bed, and you go downstairs each night and tell her you love her. And all you can tell me is that you know.”

“You’re silly.”

“Let’s just go home.”

“I brought you here because I wanted to tell you somewhere special. I do love you. I’ve always loved you. I will never stop loving you. I loved you before I flew out here, and I knew it the moment I saw you at the airport.”

“Then why didn’t you tell me?”

“I’m telling you now.”

Tags: timing, vulnerability, emotional sadism, fear, catharsis, vindication, relief

_______

“I’m in pain. It’s really bad.”

“I need to drive her back to her car.”

“It’s REALLY bad. I don’t know if I should go to the hospital.”

“I need to drive her to her car and I’ll come right back.”

*30 minutes later*

“I’m sorry. I have to drive her all the way back home [350 miles away]. She’s distraught and she can’t drive herself.”

“I’m still in pain. The cramps are horrible, I think it’s going to kill me.”

“I’m sorry. I’ll get a bus or a flight home tomorrow.”

Tags: That wasn’t even the first time.

______

“I don’t feel comfortable being myself when she’s around. She gets uncomfortable when you kiss me. She doesn’t even like it when you look at me.”

“Don’t worry about her. I’ll handle her. You be yourself.”

“It won’t end well. She’ll throw a tantrum like she always does.”

“I told you I’ll handle it. You don’t have to worry about it.”

Tags: unrealistic expectations, communication, emotional manipulation, I told him so

_____

“Look, maybe just don’t be so touchy feely in public.”

“You told me I should be myself.”

“It makes her uncomfortable.”

“You said you would handle it.”

“You were grinding on me.”

“I WAS NOT GRINDING ON YOU. That’s not even a phrase you would ever use. You got that from her.”

“It doesn’t matter. You do as I say.”

“Apparently, I’m the only one who does.”

Tags: Straw, meet camel’s back.

_____

“It’s over. When you come back, your stuff will be packed.”

“Okay.”

“I can’t believe you’re choosing her over me.”

“It’s for your own good.”

“You never loved me.”

“I will always love you. I keep hurting you, and I can’t keep doing that to you.”

“Then why are you picking her? Because she’s more of a challenge? Because you have to work harder to get her to do what you want?”

“Maybe.”

“I gave you everything you wanted, and you held back everything I wanted. You wouldn’t even fuck me.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You should be.”

“I am.”

Tags: I should have started letting go then.

______

“Hey. You called?”

“I hadn’t heard from you in a week. It’s Christmas. I thought you’d have reached out.”

“So, nothing is wrong?”

“It’s my first Christmas without him. I’m not doing well emotionally today.”

“You should reach out to your friends.”

“I thought you were my friend.”

“I’m tired. Going to bed.”

“Fuck you. Goodbye.”

Tags: broken promises, asshole behavior, last time we ever spoke.

_____

And I haven’t gotten to the recent¬†stuff.

There’s a reason why I’ve spent the last few days choking back tears.

Because the good girl never wins.

The Punishment

“Ugh,” she cringed. “This really isn’t necessary, Sir.”

“Shut up,” he answered as he sat on the bed beside her restrained body and ran his fingers along her thigh from knee to hip.

“Aren’t there better ways to punish me?” she asked.

“Not really,” he couldn’t help but chuckle. “You love all the other things I could do to you, and you don’t respond well to being ignored.”

“You could make me write lines.”

“I could,” he leaned down and sank his teeth into her fleshy inner thigh. She moaned and strained against the rope.

“Please,” she begged, her face horrified as he lay on his belly between her legs. “Please, not this. I’m sorry I fucked up, Sir.”

“Shut up,” he growled, as his mouth made its way toward the source of her dismay.

“But, Sir, you’ll get tired of it and I’ll feel bad. It takes too long this way. At least let me go wash up. I just feel so….,” She didn’t get to finish before he stuffed her discarded panties into her mouth then returned to his previous position.

“I said shut up. You earned this punishment. Now relax and take it like the good little slut you know you can be and maybe I’ll feed you my cock later.”

He’d finally found a punishment he loved to administer that she hated to receive.